Wednesday, February 26, 2014

A Lonely Voice Calling Bullsh*t on the Crossbow

Those of you who follow me on twitter know that I am a certified Zombiephile.  I loved the Romero films as a kid (Dawn of the Dead original and remake are particular favorites) and I'm a big fan of The Walking Dead (comic and tv). I have, over the course of several decades, perfected my plans for survival in the Approaching Zombie Apocalypse (AZA), and it is my considered opinion that if your plans for the AZA have you using a crossbow as your primary weapon, you have made a serious error.
Apologies to all the Darryl Dixon lovers (Dixon Chicks?) that may be reading this, but every time I see that cumbersome, short-range, single-shot, slow reload, limited-ammo-having thing on my tv, I just seethe. Propelled by that dark fury, I am finally going to give my comprehensive take on why Darryl's  crossbow would never be my choice for the AZA.

A thorough study of survival amidst the undead makes it pretty clear that the only time it makes sense to engage multiple (3+) zombies is when you have no choice.  A lone walker shambling towards you is easy to bypass or, if you feel like bringing the heat, de-brained.  Hand-held weapons (swords, knives, clubs, etc) can make short work of it without expending precious ammunition. However, if you cross paths with a squad of ghouls, a single misstep or even some bad luck (a locked door, a sprained ankle…) can find you S.O.L.  This is because the only real advantage the undead have over the living arises when they have numbers and being able to reduce those numbers is the best way to change the game.  It follows that the most important quality of an AZA weapon is multiple shots.  A 9mm double-stack handgun sits on your hip all day and, with a loadout of 4 spare magazines, a steady hand can put down 75+ sets of snapping jaws.   A single- or even double-shot crossbow, not so much.

Lets run though a scenario that has you confronting a pair of walkers, armed with Darryl's bad ass double crossbow:  A well aimed bolt to each head shuts down both Z's just fine, after which you retrieve your no-doubt-precious-in-a-post-apocalyptic-world bolts and begin the reloading process:

1)Put the nose of the crossbow on the ground
2)Put your foot in the stirrup at the front and stand on it
3)Using both hands, pull the bow back (the same as lifting 150 lbs) until it catches on the trigger
4)Stand up and carefully place the a new bolt into the groove
5)Slide the nose of the bolt through the front guide
6)Ready to fire

Now lets repeat that with 3+ walkers:  A well aimed bolt to each head shuts down both Z's just fine, after which you retrieve your no-doubt-precious-in-a-post-apocalyptic-world bolts and begin the reloading process:

1)Put the nose of the crossbow on the ground
2)Put your foot in the stirrup at the front and stand on it
3)Using both hands, pullHE'S EATING YOUR FACE!

Now lets run that scenario using a Glock 17 and carrying extra mags:

1)Grab some kind of defensible position, either high up or behind some cover
2)Start shooting headshots, one per customer
3)When you need to reload, drop the empty mag and grab a new one from your pocket and slide it in (3 secs)
4)When you have thinned their numbers enough to make some running room, take off for home
5)Enjoy some chamomile tea and write me a thank you note for my sage advice, use the nice stationery.

I have found that if you talk smack about the crossbow to a Darrylphile, that lonely, lonely person will eventually shout, "But the crossbow is silent!", while spitting bits of Frito in your face.  I always reply, "So what?". Sure, if the quiet end of a solo walker outside of hand-weapon range is what you are looking for, you win (now go and switch back to trolling your exes on Facebook) but you can't base your weapons loadout for a day outside the wire on that specific situation.  Each shot should be seen as a get out of jail free card, a chance to create some better options for yourself,.  You are gonna to want to carry as much ammo as you can, and 100 rounds of 9mm fits in a few pockets.  Sure its loud and you'll attract more walkers, but that ship has sailed.  When you are surrounded, you're looking to escape and shooting and moving will be the priorities with noise a distant third.  If I'm ever in that situation (please, oh please), I can pretty much guarantee that I'm going to be screaming like a drag queen at Payless on BOGO day, but I will hit all my targets.

Prussian general Carl Von Clauswitz famously said, "Everything in war is very simple, but the simplest thing is difficult.". The same applies to living in the world of the zombie. With simple precautions in place, the ghouls outside the fence can be reduced to a nuisance like smog or hipsters.  You need to be focused on grabbing hold of livable and, more importantly, defensible quarters (i.e. a prison), and gaining access to supplies through scavenging or farming.  Solve those two problems and you're pretty much the Jay-Z of the end of the world. Bravo. You made it. Settle in and start a cult.  But you're not going to get there thinking you're a bad ass.  A 9mm handgun on the hip 24/7 is the proper tool for AZA security and a cutsey weapon like the crossbow is the Ed Hardy shirt of the apocalypse.  It pretty much guarantees that everyone around you will think you're an a-hole and hopes you get bitten so they can shoot you.  Now if you'll excuse me, I've got alot of canning to do and I'm almost finished with David Koresh's self-help book "Me, Myself, and I: The New Trinity ". So much to learn...

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